Not a Good Autism Day at the Jacobson's

It started out alright. The kids came and nestled into bed with me around 7:00 this morning. We cuddled for a few minutes, then unwrapped ourselves and headed to the kitchen for breakfast. Almost immediately they started fighting. I know it's a phase, but I hope it doesn't last much longer. Some days, It takes all I've got to prevent the day from ending with one or all of us being strangled, sold to the circus, or farmed out to family. Finally, after way too many warnings, I sent them to their rooms for ten minutes. That's the deal. You won't stop fighting, you go to your rooms. After the allotted time, I opened their doors and invited them to join the world again, as long as they could control themselves. Bella sprang from her prison and immediately began to play, read books, and boss around imaginary people. She would have bossed around Carter, but he was staying in his room for a bit, which is not uncommon, and totally understandable considering how his little sister treats him. After another 15 minutes or so, Carter rushed down the stairs and clung to me, saying he had an "owie". I asked him where, and when I finally held him in front of me, I saw this.

YIKES! Carter what happened? Did you fall? "No." Did you hurt yourself? "I was sad." What did you hit yourself with? Did you hit your bed? Your window sill? "I was sad." I held him and put some ice on the bruise for as long as he would let me, which in total, was about 30 seconds. I cried as I realized that he had been upset in his room, and had engaged in self harm. He's never done this before. He often bumps his head against his headboard as he falls asleep, or taps a book against his head in church, to calm himself, but he's never bloodied himself before. He saw me crying. "Mama, you sad?" Yes, Carter. It makes me sad that you hurt your head. "I'm sorry, Mama. I kiss you better." (He commenced to kiss the top of my head). Oh Carter, please don't hit your head anymore, I say, while knowing that he really has no control over that reaction. My head races with thoughts of protective helmets, A room wrapped in styrofoam, straps to tie him down when he's upset. I start to calm a bit and think that maybe we could just line all the hard edges in his bedroom with sliced pool noodles. He relaxed after a cuddle on the couch and wanted to go outside. "Be happy, Mama, I'm all better!" I smile and it hurts inside as I let him out of my arms. I want to hold him and make it all stop. Like somehow my embrace can fix his autism. Fix his urges to hit his head. But I know it doesn't. And I know I have to let him go. Have to let him live. And our day goes on. We went to the library not too long after that. We've had good days and bad days there, and I was hoping for a good one. We both needed some time out of the house. As you walk in the library, next to the return boxes, there is a door marked "staff only". Carter is an incredibly curious little boy, so of course, he tried the door. Twice. Three times. Only one of the double doors would open, and he was curious to see how the other one worked. He started to walk in, with the intent of checking out the other door. I was quietly calling to him, knowing that if he could just take a second to see how that darn door worked, we could move on peacefully. Then an employee came up to the door, and filled the frame, pushing him back into the hallway. "Staff only, kid." I stepped in. "I'm sorry, he's just curious as to how that door works." She was unmoved. "Yeah, well... Staff only." By now, they were physically struggling with each other in the doorway, so I grabbed Carter by the shoulders. "Come on bud, we can't go in there." Great way to start a library visit. Now he's fidgety and upset. Thanks for being so understanding, lady. We made our way over to the kids computers, which he can somewhat control on his own, and that gives him a deep sense of satisfaction. There's not a whole lot of things he can do "all by myself." We were in for another bad start as all the computers were taken. We had to wait for our turn, and Carter doesn't wait well. He will not be distracted or redirected. When he decides he wants something, his sole purpose in life becomes finding a way to get it. We finally got our turn. Instead of playing the learning games, that so intrigued him last time, and excited me as well, as I watched him match colors, letters, and etc. He insisted on just opening and closing applications over and over again. Of course, he would not accept help or direction from me. Also, due to his auditory defensiveness, he refuses to wear the headphones attached to the computers, so in order to hear the directions given, I turn the volume way up and place the headphones on the table next to him. Well, it happened to annoy the toddler sitting next to him, who was loudly complaining to his mother, who was glaring at me in response. I smiled back, and we continued on our strange little way. Finally it was time to check out. I stood in line while Carter ran about the lobby of the Library like a mad person, knocking kids down, making old people jump, putting finger marks on the display cases. Everyone was glad when we left. Including me. I love my son. I wouldn't change a thing about him. But some days, autism is hard. Really hard. It was a bad day for autism at the Jacobson house today. But tomorrow might be different. And he'll grow and learn as the years progress. In the meantime, send us a prayer and a hug. Enjoy the quiet of the library with your well behaved children. I'll be sitting at home tonight, with a BIG caffeinated drink and some ibuprofen, icing my neck and shoulders.